During my short-lived career as a museum guard, I overheard my share of absurd conversations.

The worst came from the “progressive” parents, who would bring their 2-year-olds to look at abstract expressionist paintings. They’d point out details of color and composition as their kids sought out something more interesting — say, a bench, or a water fountain — to play with.

I had to admire these kids; they made no secret of their boredom. Talk to an adult about a piece of art, and she’ll likely make up something about “juxtaposition” rather than admit that she doesn’t care for the solid black square hanging on the museum wall.

Conversations with these people are alarmingly similar to a talk I recently had with ALICE, the Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity:

Me: Do you like art?

ALICE: Yes, I enjoy art very much, especially painting.

Me: What do you like about art?

ALICE: The melodramatic touch.

Me: What kind of art do you like?

ALICE: I don’t have a favorite art. My favorite food is electricity.

Me: But you said you enjoy painting.

ALICE: No, I don’t care for it.

Me: You said you like art.

ALICE: Yes, I enjoy art very much, especially painting.

You don’t want to know ALICE’s opinion on music.

Don’t get me wrong, I love looking at art. But the reason I love it is because of its accessibility.

I don’t think you have to be educated a certain way to appreciate quality drawings.

And you don’t have to come to an exhibition and say something profound. That’s the job of the artists and critics.

Your only job is to come and stock up on free brownies while looking at what’s in front of you. I think even ALICE would agree that’s a pretty sweet deal — if she could figure out what “exhibition” means.

Call Laurel Black, a Paducah Sun staff writer, at 270-575-8641.